Boo Hiss

10 Things I learned from Hannah Montana: The Movie

2009-04-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

• Malls are the root of all Evil

• You should never upstage your best friend on their birthday

• A good band always knows your song, even if you wrote it 5 minutes ago

• It is possible to be in two places at once, if you have no manners

• Never show up at a party without your own line dance

• People want the truth as long as it comes at no cost

• All your problems can be worked through with the aid of an acoustic guitar

• Don’t bring your pet ferret to dinner

• A charity concert always saves the day

• Sometimes life requires multiple personalities

Thanks for the Memories!

2008-10-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to wonder if I should think about a career as a personal shopper. I worked as a runner last summer on Fall Out Boy's gig at the Forum in Los Angeles. I was sent out to find a knit hat with a brim. Now, it should come as no surprise to any local that finding a knit hat in June in Inglewood would prove to be quite a challenge, but being a skilled runner (this was my first job) I made it back with the goods.

I had no idea who it was for, until hours later when I passed Pete Wentz backstage and he was wearing the hat. It was a good over-drinks kind of story for a week or two and then I forgot all about it. Until the hat started popping up.

First in a Circuit City commercial and most recently I thought I saw it during FOB's cameo in the new flick Sex Drive. So I went online and googled images of Pete Wentz, which is something I never thought I would hear myself say, and low and behold: Pete Wentz wearing the hat while getting gas, while out on the town with Ashlee Simpson, during an interview, in publicity shots, at the airport, at the park, the list goes on.

Maybe I was born to be a personal shopper, beacause Mr. Wentz clearly loves this hat. Perhaps it's because it is so effective at hiding his bad emo hair.

I may never know Pete Wentz, but thanks to this hat we are forever connected.

Victoria's Top Secret

2008-09-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

The IPEX: "The World's most advance bra conceals, never reveals"

Do I need a Level 5 government security clearance to buy one of these?

"Virtually Weightless, Microsmooth, seemlesslly integrated."

Sounds like the perfect attire for that undercover espionage mission I was planning this weekend.

Don't even get me started on The BIOfit.

America Needs A Comeback

2008-09-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

I've decided that Britney Spears should run for president.

Not because her brand is a global corporation that has given her experience overseeing millions of dollars.

Not because The Britney Spears Foundation gave large donations to hurricane Katrina, cancer research, and created the Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts, proving issues of community, health care and education are never far from her mind.

Not because she is one of the most recognized faces in the world, and her many world tours have no doubt made her an expert on foreign affairs.

And not because she is a working single mom, raised on "small town values."

But because after all she has done to tarnish her public image and ruin her global empire, people still stand behind her.

For the past decade her life has been a constant vetting process, and while we have all reveled in her public breakdown, in the end we're still routing for her to come out on top.

Even after a damaging divorce and a gruesome custody battle; even after a shaved head and a string of public indecencies; even after legal temporary insanity and befriending Paris Hilton.

At a time when the country stands divided, who better to unite us?

Right now the image of the United States has suffered the same setbacks. The current administration has done everything it can do to ruin our reputation both at home and abroad.

We need to put a face on America that allows the rest of the world to overlook our previous transgressions. And who better than a celebrity, someone we forgive when they act superior or think that the rules don’t apply to them, someone who can effect the decisions of the nation more universally than any politician, someone who has walked the road to comeback.

Even after a misguided war and a plummeting economy; even after denying global warming and high gas prices; even after an unthinkable national deficit and George W. Bush, if Britney is president she can stand as an example of what can be overcome when you have the nation behind you: reputations can be mended, sanity can be restored, and you can win back the approval of your worst critics.

Can Britney Spears be #1 again?

Yes she can.

Can America be #1 again?

Yes we can.

Unforgivable Curse Words

2008-08-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you Warner Brothers, thank you for Avada Kadvra-ing my one highlight of 2008.

I've got a few unforgivable curse words for Warner Brothers. Their decision to be greedy bastards and move the newest Harry Potter movie back 11 months is 'Riddikulus'. Executives felt that the writer's strike left their 2009 summer offerings looking a little slim, and with Batman continuing to break the bank on a daily basis, they could afford to hold onto their trump card a little longer.

I know I should be more concerned with the state of the conflict between Russia and Georgia, but really I think Condoleezza Rice would be better served mediating this conflict. People are fired up. Petitions have started. The word boycott is being thrown around (though surely no one means it.) 11 months is an eternity. I could bring a new life into this world in time to see the next movie. And wouldn't they love that... another $12 at the box office.

I take some comfort (very very little) in the fact that Entertainment Weekly, which is owned by the same parent company, ran their Fall movie issue this week with a Harry Potter cover story. Apparently, someone didn't get the memo. I however, like to believe insurgents on the inside are trying to send a message. I can only hope this is the beginning of a coup.

Greedy Bastards!

Go Chubby or Go Home!

2008-01-09T14:50:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, Starbucks. I know you're only trying to help me better myself, but the "Skinny" Latte"? Come On!

Call me crazy, but I want the one with the fat in it.

I support the cultural change-over from "Supersize Me" to "Minimize Me" but must everything that tastes good in this world be ruined?

If shaving a few calories off my morning coffee by ordering a "Skinny" Latte helps me earn the title of "Biggest Loser" it won't because of my weight loss.

From now on I'll be ordering the Chubby Latte (© 2008).

I can hear it now... "I have a Chubby Latte on the bar for [insert mispronounced name here]..."

Down with "Skinny"... Go Chubby or Go Home!

Coming Soon!

2008-01-08T16:49:00.001-08:00

Tangents Transcribed, Rants Reproduced, Complaints Composed...

Coming Soon!